I think "agonizing" is the right term. People ask, "How are you?" And I pause longer than is socially acceptable, and we end up in a conversation where I feel a certain level of guilt because I haven't asked them how they are doing yet, and here I am already agonizing over how to even describe how I'm doing.
What I am is tired. But not tired in the "I just ran sprints" kind of way or even in the "I just put in a long day at the office" kind of way. This is the exhaustion of returning to normal. It's exhausting trying to return to normal.
I dislike even trying to write this down because it all feels a little saccharaine. Many people are going through so much worse. But what I'm really experiencing right now is the exhaustion I think a lot of us in the caring professions, or really anyone who had to maintain their role through the pandemic, are feeling right now because the moment after the height of the emergency is in some ways harder than the crisis itself because the adrenaline has all worn off and you are just left with you and your own devices and... "normality."
But one of the things we all told ourselves during the pandemic is that we wouldn't just try to get everything back to normal after it was over because honestly the normal wasn't all working that well.
I find myself having strong reactions to anything that whiffs of normal church, for example. I was so glad not to be at our denominational synod assembly last weekend and I'm not really interested in trying to reconstruct large portions of the apolitical and bougie church machinery I knew growing up. I might want to do a building campaign but it would be for low income housing and showers, not for a youth building or a taller stained glass window. I'd like to organize a mission trip but it would be just down the street to occupy the next quorum court meeting.
And at a very real baseline, although I was not raised in the kind of religious space those who are attending religious trauma support groups knew, I am I think really struggling with the present reality as I watch the largest portion of Christianity in America (and Hungary, and Russia, and so on) further Christo-fascism. It's scary.
It doesn't make me want to give up on the church, as some do. But it does make me want to gather whoever is willing to be a part of the Christian community that makes no truck with fascism. You don't get to be part of cozy, comfortable, me and Jesus church because the Jesus I know lived radically at odds with empire. It's exhausting building this kind of church, because we've had very few models to emulate, and the ones we do have clearly sacrificed in ways that aren't easy.
None of which, I might add, helps relieve the exhaustion. But I guess writing this all out does help me clarify something. I need enough naps and enough space away for prayer or whatever is needed in order to really touch that spiritual center that will help me live against fascism. We're gonna need community for what is coming, and the fortitude to live slant.
That's how I'm doing. How are you?
I sure identify with this exhaustion. Did I have energy to operate at this level of steam before covid? I'm ready to do something besides the old "normal" too.
I hear you and I appreciate your willingness to put it down in words. I'm glad you are taking some time for rest.