I have poured more attention and energy into the church than I can measure.
I have operated on the assumption if I worked in the right ways, I could grow the church.
I believe the [progressive] church is worth growing.
Faithfulness rarely guarantees growth. It is a narrow way.
Faithful to who? To a spiritual gesture at the radical left? Or to God?
I want God.
In believing through my own efforts and energy I can grow the narrow-way church, have I forgotten God?
I am uncertain what it means to “want God.” But I want God.
I love Jesus as a social justice goods-new-for-the-poor kind of guy.
But he was focused on God. Which is why he was never alone.
In church life, I am exhausted and feel alone (or maybe abandoned?) sometimes wondering why some leave and why others who are members aren’t ‘present and active.’
But also—It’s a joyous miracle each day that so many are in this, together, and I wish my brain and heart would rest in that. My brain and heart tell me we just need even more to show up.
I assume my burdens would be lightened if more people would just show up. But I’ve never defined how many would be ‘enough.’
But Jesus says, ““Come to me, all of you who are weary and over-burdened, and I will give you rest! Put on my yoke and learn from me. For I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
I thought I needed a vacation, and Jesus says he is my vacation.
I think I don’t know how to truly rest, and this is because I haven’t rested in God (Thanks a bunch, Augustine.)
The people who I trust tell me I should rest. They just say, “You need a break.” “You do so much.” Without saying it, I think they are inviting me to rest in God.
To rest in God, I’d need to trust God to do or not do what is needed. But there is so much that needs doing.
Do I trust God?
I want God.
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Thank you so much for putting this in words. It's beautiful and encompasses all the things in a thoughtful list. I keep thinking that if more people would show up, it would all get better. You have given me a lot to think about.
I appreciate your straightforward exploration of your search for excellence and growth in your ministry. Having spent some time recently with pastors who have benefitted from sabbaticals, I believe that you might consider that kind of break. Blessings‼️